Trying to find my inner orange rhino

This pregnancy has been unlike the others so far.  The most different thing is that I'm not working.  I didn't have to try to keep it a secret in the beginning and I don't carry guilt about what slack my coworkers will be picking up for me while on leave.  Overall I have felt very peaceful during this pregnancy and lately I've been making an effort to be a better/ less stressed/ less yell-y mom to the girls.

I was inspired by an article that popped up on my Pinterest feed by the Orange Rhino.  The article is "10 Things I learned when I stopped yelling at my kids" and it resonated with me.  I do yell and I hate it.  I loose my temper, get frustrated, forget that they are little people and expect way too much from them.  Then I feel like a total failure afterwords.  I decided to take a good look at my mothering and noticed I sometimes don't "yell" per say but may just give a look or use words of disappointment that really aren't appropriate.  I do want to be a better mom so I'm trying to pay attention to what I do and decide if/how I want to change.

Luckily I have some friends who are in a similar (or in some cases the same) boat as me and were excited when I told them about this so we've all been trying to do things to minimize our yelling.  I went a solid 2 days before I got tired and reverted to my old tactics.  Here's the cold hard truth about parenting- it's just day after day of a gazillion little decisions that turn each day into what it is.  Sometimes you make a good decision...sometimes not so good.  Here's an example:

One night I knew Tony would be getting home "early" so I decided to keep Ada awake enough to see him before she went to bed.  I made this decision even though I knew she was tired from a long day and  would have to be at school early the next day for viola lessons.  To see them hang for a few minutes before bed was totally worth it...until the next morning.  My alarm went off at 6:45 like it always does on Thursdays so we can make it to viola on time (ish) and the girls were still sleeping.  I got up, made breakfast and packed it into car-ready containers because we prioritize getting dressed, etc and if we run out of time we can always eat in the car.  Then I hopped in the shower.  The girls woke up about 7:30 and I made the decision not to rush since no one likes that feeling.  I let them get dressed like normal and by about 8:05 (lesson is from 8:00-8:30) we were ready to go.  Just before we left I told Ada that it was Thursday and that we would be skipping viola today but we may be able to go to the Friday lesson if we ask her teacher.  She fell apart.  I had made  a tactical error despite my thinking I was making good decisions in the best interest of everyone I had misjudged.  Herein lies the difficulty of being the decision maker for many different personalities all at once.  Emma throws fits if you try to rush her.  When I'm rushed I tend to get snippy and stressed.  Ada doesn't like to be surprised and maybe deep down I knew she would put up a fight if I had told her earlier so I omitted it from our morning until it was already too late.  I then gave Ada the choice if she wanted to try to go late to the lesson or just go tomorrow.  She of course chose going today.  We still needed shoes and coats and to open up the chickens for the day so the result was us trying to rush anyhow and not getting there until 8:25.  I decided to go with Ada and ask her teacher if we could come to the Friday lesson, which was of course okay.  She was still a bit bummed when I dropped her at her classroom and I left feeling like a terrible mother.

So if you followed that story you will see (as my very wise husband pointed out to me) that I was beating myself up about my 4 year old being upset that she missed her viola lesson.  Perspective.  I had none.  I get so tied up in our little bubble and try so hard to make people happy or do what I think I should that sometimes I forget the big picture.  And this is a good thing to teach to the little ones I suppose.  Because in the end there will be disappointments in life sometimes big ones and I want these kids to be resilient and able to roll with it.

I brought up that story because I have been paying attention to my triggers lately and being stressed is certainly one of them.  If I am feeling stressed in my life I have more of a tendency to yell or behave in a negative way toward the girls.  This needs to change.  I want to change how I express myself to them so they can mirror what they see/ feel to others.

But, all that said.  At the end of the day I really just wanted a cocktail...but not for a few more months;)

Love that dirty water...

I am from Massachusetts.  Not Boston proper mind you, but the suburbs.  I grew up thinking Boston was the be all end all of cities.  That it was the place to go to do anything super fun.  My folks were good about bringing me in to do things like First Night on New Years, free concerts in government center, Faneuil Hall, Red Sox games, Franklin Park Zoo, North End treats, tall ship tours, and coolest of all we got to ride in on the T.

One of my fondest childhood memories is watching the Boston Marathon.  "Marathon Monday" takes place on Patriots Day which is a state holiday in Massachusetts so we always had the day off from school and there were loads of people out and celebrating all over Eastern Mass.  We would usually watch from Newton Lower Falls which is a town just outside the city.  Now that we live in Minnesota I have often thought about taking the girls for a vacation and cheering on the tremendous athletes.  There is an energy on the day of the marathon unlike any other- everyone feels a camaraderie and similar to the Olympics all are rooting for human spirit and athleticism.  The fact that this tragedy struck on this day of all days feels especially painful.  The fact that a child was killed hits my gut and makes me furious and sad at the same time.

My tendency when these things happen is to end up in a dark place in my mind and being pregnant made me jump to that place even more quickly.  It might sound cheesy but the little messages of hope that people have put up on social media have been helpful.  Remembering to see the good.  To focus on the good in people.  To be hopeful.  These are important messages and that is what I want my children to remember in times of crisis.  Here are a couple of my favorites.

So this morning when we woke up and the girls were going to stay home again with a case of conjunctivitis I decided we needed to do something positive so I didn't make myself crazy.  I was happy to have a day with them even in their cranky eye-drop-needing condition.  I showed Ada an image of the "B" on my computer and she knew it was for "Red Sox".  I told her it was a symbol for Boston and that the people who live in Boston had a bad day yesterday and needed extra love. We decided to do a big painting project for our front window and I sketched out the "B" then Ada and I painted it while Emma had her own "B" to paint since she's not one to stay in the lines- really on any level.

So this was our art project today.

Emma mostly painted herself...then later her sister leading us directly into the shower after this activity.

I folded and drew half a heart and Ada cut the hearts out beautifully.

All while Emma coated herself in applesauce.

Then Ada and I hung our work on the front window.  Jim watched.

Many, many people have already written about this tragic day.  I couldn't just carry on with posts about stuff without recognizing this event.  It should also be said that all the athletes who competed yesterday are amazing individuals and my hope is that runners will still want to compete in Boston and we don't let this taint the spirit of the event.  I would still like to bring the girls to watch and cheer, and maybe they will even want to run it someday.