Trying to find my inner orange rhino

This pregnancy has been unlike the others so far.  The most different thing is that I'm not working.  I didn't have to try to keep it a secret in the beginning and I don't carry guilt about what slack my coworkers will be picking up for me while on leave.  Overall I have felt very peaceful during this pregnancy and lately I've been making an effort to be a better/ less stressed/ less yell-y mom to the girls.

I was inspired by an article that popped up on my Pinterest feed by the Orange Rhino.  The article is "10 Things I learned when I stopped yelling at my kids" and it resonated with me.  I do yell and I hate it.  I loose my temper, get frustrated, forget that they are little people and expect way too much from them.  Then I feel like a total failure afterwords.  I decided to take a good look at my mothering and noticed I sometimes don't "yell" per say but may just give a look or use words of disappointment that really aren't appropriate.  I do want to be a better mom so I'm trying to pay attention to what I do and decide if/how I want to change.

Luckily I have some friends who are in a similar (or in some cases the same) boat as me and were excited when I told them about this so we've all been trying to do things to minimize our yelling.  I went a solid 2 days before I got tired and reverted to my old tactics.  Here's the cold hard truth about parenting- it's just day after day of a gazillion little decisions that turn each day into what it is.  Sometimes you make a good decision...sometimes not so good.  Here's an example:

One night I knew Tony would be getting home "early" so I decided to keep Ada awake enough to see him before she went to bed.  I made this decision even though I knew she was tired from a long day and  would have to be at school early the next day for viola lessons.  To see them hang for a few minutes before bed was totally worth it...until the next morning.  My alarm went off at 6:45 like it always does on Thursdays so we can make it to viola on time (ish) and the girls were still sleeping.  I got up, made breakfast and packed it into car-ready containers because we prioritize getting dressed, etc and if we run out of time we can always eat in the car.  Then I hopped in the shower.  The girls woke up about 7:30 and I made the decision not to rush since no one likes that feeling.  I let them get dressed like normal and by about 8:05 (lesson is from 8:00-8:30) we were ready to go.  Just before we left I told Ada that it was Thursday and that we would be skipping viola today but we may be able to go to the Friday lesson if we ask her teacher.  She fell apart.  I had made  a tactical error despite my thinking I was making good decisions in the best interest of everyone I had misjudged.  Herein lies the difficulty of being the decision maker for many different personalities all at once.  Emma throws fits if you try to rush her.  When I'm rushed I tend to get snippy and stressed.  Ada doesn't like to be surprised and maybe deep down I knew she would put up a fight if I had told her earlier so I omitted it from our morning until it was already too late.  I then gave Ada the choice if she wanted to try to go late to the lesson or just go tomorrow.  She of course chose going today.  We still needed shoes and coats and to open up the chickens for the day so the result was us trying to rush anyhow and not getting there until 8:25.  I decided to go with Ada and ask her teacher if we could come to the Friday lesson, which was of course okay.  She was still a bit bummed when I dropped her at her classroom and I left feeling like a terrible mother.

So if you followed that story you will see (as my very wise husband pointed out to me) that I was beating myself up about my 4 year old being upset that she missed her viola lesson.  Perspective.  I had none.  I get so tied up in our little bubble and try so hard to make people happy or do what I think I should that sometimes I forget the big picture.  And this is a good thing to teach to the little ones I suppose.  Because in the end there will be disappointments in life sometimes big ones and I want these kids to be resilient and able to roll with it.

I brought up that story because I have been paying attention to my triggers lately and being stressed is certainly one of them.  If I am feeling stressed in my life I have more of a tendency to yell or behave in a negative way toward the girls.  This needs to change.  I want to change how I express myself to them so they can mirror what they see/ feel to others.

But, all that said.  At the end of the day I really just wanted a cocktail...but not for a few more months;)